Ted's Diary
written by Amen Ra (Ted) The Alpaca of Distinction

September 3rd.  Did you ever get that feeling that something really, really great was going to happen?  And then it DIDN'T?

Well, it was my birthday on Friday. I've only had two in my whole life, so they're sort of special. I heard that on birthdays you had presents, and cakes, and presents, and jellies, and presents, and people came, with presents, and people sent you things, like presents.

Guess what! NO presents! NO cake! and NO presents!

AND - NO cards! You're supposed to have cards, "Other Half" told me. And I know that some of my fans can even make cards. But no-one sent me a card. Here I am - an Alpaca of Distinction - and nobody loves me, nobody cares, I'll just go in my field and eat hay!

But on to other things; - I saw a miracle happen yesterday! The BOSS and "Other Half" were giving Chris and Charm their first injections, (I've had a few of those in my short life, I can tell you!), and they were being watched VERY closely by Betsy (Chris's Mum). Betsy is not known for being a sharing sort of individual where Chris is concerned - in fact I wouldn't like to come between her and Chris, even if she was in a good mood!

"Other Half" had stripped down to only essential clothes, in preparation for the famous Betsy "Arial Spit Bomb" (this is an invention of Betsy's - if she can't spit straight at you she spits directly upwards. When gravity halts the mouthful, it spreads out in an umbrella shape, and descends all over everyone in the vicinity!) Anyway, I could see "Other Half" squinting behind his glasses, waiting to be "got" while he tried to re-introduce Chris back with his Mum, when all of a sudden...... she let him get away with it! 

I don't know who was more shocked, "Other Half" - left standing half naked in the field while we all sniggered at him (I'll bet you don't see a picture of THAT on the website!), or THE BOSS, who had managed to somehow be very much out of range in case the inevitable were to happen. (Funny, that, don't you think? It always seems to be the "Other Half" that gets the mucky jobs!  It's just coincidence, I'm sure)

Right! Enough of this! I've had an idea - next week is my two years and two weeks birthday! So you've all got another chance to send me a card! And possibly a present! I don't get to be two years and two weeks ever again! So we REALLY need to make a special occasion of it!  You've got NO excuses now, have you!
 

September 10th.  Another week over and another week older!  Ah well, no more birthdays until next year.  

But the BOSS was telling me about Christmas – more presents! I can hardly wait, let me see, how long did she say it is before the ‘big day’? Only 74 Breakfasts away!  

I like this idea humans have of presents, parties and presents, lots of people with lots of presents just for the birthday boy. Hopefully "Other Half" will take a photo of my birthday presents during the week to put on my diary pages – they were great – there was new hay, a new halter, more new hay, a fantastic thingy to put round my neck to make me really ‘cool’, - a bandana I think it’s called, and of course lots more hay! 
 

I think I shall start my Christmas list tomorrow so that BOSS can arrange enough HAY and things in time.

I don’t really understand about this Santa Claus chap – will he come out to an alpaca, even one of such distinction as me?  I have been so very good all year – I think!  And can he afford to give me so much hay with that many reindeer tofeed?  Will he find me down here in the wilds of Devon?   Will I have to share my presents with those kids – Charm and Chris? 

This is all very worrying for an alpaca.  I think I am spending too much time on my own, I really must get out more!
I shall have a quiet word with the BOSS, I might have to endure a few cuddles again, but I can usually wrap her around my little .... Um........ Wrap her around my little TOE ( Somehow that didn't come out the way I wanted it to!)

Ah Well, back to the really serious side of life - Eating Hay.

September 15th.  I seem to have let myself down! I've had a "Barny" with Barney!

The BOSS and "Other Half" put me into Barley and Barney's paddock yesterday. Everything seemed to be going well; - I checked out my newly acquired hay, sniffed out where the poo piles were, made sure I knew where the shelter was in case of rain. Then over came "Mr Macho" - Barnaby. He seemed to think HE was the boss of his paddock! Huh! I soon told him "I may not be entirely there, down there, but I'm ALL here, up here!"

One thing led to another, you know how it goes, and pretty soon it was "I'm Boss!" - "No! I'M Boss", then we got physical (NO, not like THAT!), I was just showing him who was strongest and oldest.

What we didn't notice in all the excitement was that the BOSS HAD noticed! My feet hardly touched the grass! She had me back in my own field before I could say "It was all HIS fault!"

Now, what you may not know about alpacas is that when we get stressed out or upset, we suffer from.... this is kind of embarrassing.... and it probably sounds silly to you humans... we suffer from Limp Lip!

It's NOT funny! It only affects the lower lip, but have YOU ever tried to eat hay, no hands, and only control over ONE lip? No! I didn't think so! Try it some time. It's NOT easy!

AND when you try to drink, - it all falls out before you can swallow! "Other Half" tells me you humans have something similar - called "a visit to the Dentist". Well, next time you have one of those, just try eating hay and you'll see how upset I was!

Ah well, I suppose it gives me more time to work on my next Novel, and I DO get to talk to everyone through the fence. And I don't have to share my hay with anyone, now that my lip is back to normal. The BOSS says we can try that again some other time, maybe with Ivory, or (Heaven Forbid) with THE Mr MACHO himself - Alexander! I'm not so sure I WOULD be boss if I go in with HIM! My lip would so limp for so long that I'd have to share my hay with him (I can't believe I just said that!)

September 18th.  So who's a pretty boy, then?
JUST CHECK THIS OUT! Am I an Alpaca WITH Distinction or what? Even if I say so myself, I'm looking PRETTY GOOD! This "Bandana" thingy and my new halter have just GOT to be the very NEXT thing in Alpaca Fashion!

As usual it falls upon just a few of us to lead the others in the fashion world.
I know, I know - with all my other responsibilities I shouldn't be burdening myself with yet another duty to Alpaca-kind. But SOMEONE'S got to do it! I'm just a martyr to the less fortunate alpacas of the world.

The BOSS is making a range of Alpaca-danas in a new range of Ted-ware. email her with your neck size for a list of patterns.

She's also doing a range of Ski-ware - something about Ski hats - with or without ear holes, so when you take your alpaca skiing, you can wear matching headware! NowTHERE'S a good idea!

Hey! I've just thought of a problem, does anyone out there know where I can get skis with TWO foot clamps on each ski? I don't fancy balancing on my front legs all the way down a hill!  I'd lose all my hard-earned street cred!  And as for trying to ski standing up on my back legs - well, I mean, I don't want to regress on my evolutionary path like humans have, now do I?

"Other Half" has been telling me about a really great idea that you humans had some time ago, but was repressed by so-called "Adults" - UN-Birthdays!

Apparently you get 364 of these every year!  That's an awful lot of presents! I think that maybe I'll re-introduce the custom, just for alpacas, of course. Or maybe just for Alpacas of Distinction. Hmm, I guess that's just me, isn't it? Well, I'm sure that wouldn't cause too much of a stir, would it? There must be more than 364 humans in the world, (I can only count to four, because that's all the "fingers" I have) so if everyone took turns giving me presents, then...  Gosh! Problem solved!

You know, if the world leaders would only talk to an advanced species like alpacas, we could solve all the world's problems in no time at all! Then everyone could get on with some really serious hay eating! That's the bench mark of a superior race - Hay Eating. I've just solved the meaning of life! AND it was BEFORE third Breakfast - Beat that Mr. Bush!

September 25th.  Hi everyone, guess who?   Well its not been THAT long!  I have been very busy. 

My book is ready to go off to the print-setter now, with lots of new pictures and interesting articles – mostly written by ME - with help from the Boss.  I have also been writing "An Introduction to Alpacas by An Alpaca of Distinction", click to view this, my latest literary effort.  I’m getting better, you have to agree, and with the addition of my new fashion wear range (Ted-Wear) I think this website should be called "TED, THE ALPACA OF DISTINCTION" - but I suppose there ARE other alpacas here, and in the Spring some will be for sale – anyone want to take any bets who?  Not ME of course! (Depends on the offer - Ed)

The other day, Other Half decided to move my shelter, "Great" I thought - a nice new view, fresh hay.  Maybe I could help?  No help needed, in a few hours my nice warm snug shelter had been moved up the paddock a few hundred yards, giving a better view across the countryside and the other paddocks. 

As I made my way over to cast my eye over the workmanship I was called by the Boss.  Now when the Boss shouts "Ted! Here, boy!" I know something is up.  Now I am an intelligent sort of chap and can work outwhether this us a "Come here and have your nails trimmed", or "Come here and get jabbed!" Or even a "Come here and have a cuddle" sort of voice, but this was a "Come here and see what I’ve got" voice – she knows I can’t resist that sort of voice, so off I trotted through the open gate into the next paddock. 

At which point Barnaby and Barley, the teenage hooligans, dashed past me into My field and the gate was shut expertly behind them by the Boss.  "Got you!" she said, far too close to my right ear.  A quick cuddle and a kiss and I realised why!  I was in a smaller paddock with less grass and NO HAY!  With a stunning view of an empty paddock, the back of my old shelter, and IVORY! The  two hooligans were smiling at me over the gate whilst munching into MY grass, and enjoying MY view across the Devon Countryside! 

The Other Half felt sorry for tricking me and passed over my huge pile of HAY, which thankfully the Boss transferred to the tatty old shelter recently vacated by Barley and Barnaby (the hooligans) – Oh Well, I don't suppose it will be too long before this paddock will feel like home.

Now I must get back and make more notes to keep this website up and running - what would they do without me – An Alpaca of Distinction – in a "New" smaller paddock! The BOSS says "Size doesn't matter!", but that's rubbish - just apply that to hay!