Ted's Diary
written by Amen Ra (Ted) The Alpaca of Distinction

October 1st.    Hello to all my new fans. The BOSS has told me that I have acquired loads more fans after she went to craft fairs at Stockland and Branscombe (apparently these are fields where people live, and are less than a day's walk from my field). You can check up on my past by looking at my picture gallery, and reading some of my previous Diary Pages; - just click the links that "Other Half" has put at the bottom of this page.

 Anyway, I MUST tell you about Alexander. We alpacas do have a few not-so-nice habits! One of them is that when a female alpaca is pregnant, she has a cute way of informing the male that his attentions are no longer welcome - she spits at him! Lots! Well, Alexander has been spending the last few weeks in a field with my sister Boadie and my Mum Cleopatra.

My Mum is a really professional alpaca - when she wants to say "No!", she really lets you have it! You could take lessons from her! Her aim is spot on (if you'll excuse the pun), Alexander didn't stand a chance! When the BOSS and "Other Half" took him out of the field he was about half way through getting a green all-over spray job! I could smell him from here, and I'm half a field away.

Everyone is happy again, now. I don't know how she managed it, but the BOSS arranged for it to rain all night, especially to clean Alexander up! She just twitched her nose when "Other Half" wasn't watching, and our dry spell finished - amazing! I don't suppose it was that difficult for someone who knits babies (she does baby knitting when I'm not watching).

Her "nose twitching" doesn't seem to work very well for turning the rain OFF, does it! "Other Half" tells me that she gets it from HER mother - when she comes to stay she arrives by broomstick! He whispered that to me when the BOSS wasn't around, so I don't think we are supposed to know that!

I've settled in to my new shelter now. I quite like it, but I made the BOSS and "Other Half" feel really bad for a while about moving me from my old field, until I allowed myself to be bribed with lots of hay. They like to think that THEY are in charge, but WE know better, don't we! - I mean, who has breakfast in shelter every morning? and who watches from in the dry while "Other Half" runs around in the rain checking the herd?

I guess that's my role in life - to make people feel important, even if they're not alpacas! But there's only one of ME - Because I'm THE ALPACA OF DISTINCTION - TED.

October 5th.    Uncle Bob came yesterday - he arrived in his big white car, but he didn't bring VIV (Ice Cool Lad - the Very Important Visitor) with him this time. This time he had a really high-tek piece of equipment, quite like my night vision goggles that I wrote about in my Diary (click HERE for that entry).

Than a VERY strange thing happened - Uncle Bob started covering Auntie Conker in baby oil - It was just as well that the BOSS and "Other Half" were there to keep an eye on him, or I don't know what would have happened!

Anyway, he waved a metal rod over Conker's tummy, and you would never guess! What a clever man! He could tell that she was pregnant! Then he did the same to Auntie Betsy, and she's pregnant too! That Ice Cool VIV obviously wasn't being THAT cool when he visited Conker and Betsy a month ago!

I think the general idea was to test my mum, Cleopatra, and my half sister Boadie, as well. But after the BOSS and "Other Half" had chased around the field a few times trying to catch them, they gave up and decided torely on the tried and tested method of "Spit Offs". This is when you bring a male into the vicinity of a female - she will either welcome him with open arms (metaphorically speaking, of course - if we tried that, we'd fall on our nose - our arms keep our heads off the ground), or else she spits at him, lots!

Off went Uncle Bob, then off went "Other Half". When he returned, we could all see that he'd been to the shearer. He has a very poor fleece on his head; no crimp, and not very dense. We don't know too much about his body fleece - he keeps it covered - probably too embarrassed with all of us well fleeced alpacas around! It can't be that great - you don't see very many humans wearing people wool garments, do you!

 October 11th. Hi everyone, it’s me again! 

I have been having great fun teaching Charm and Chris a thing or two.  You know how it is when you’re the older ‘kid’ on the block and these little mites look up to you! 

I realise I have a reputation to uphold and have really tried to be good and grown up about this rather new responsibility.  It’s a shame that Conker and Betsy, the youngsters' mothers, don’t appreciate my endeavours.  I have had my share of green goo flying over the fence the last few days – but is Ted daunted, not one bit!  Green and smelly, but not daunted!

I have tried to teach the ‘little folk’ how to play "Running up and down the field" by the fence, - if it's wet enough it makes a wonderful mud slide.  Also there’s "Let’s not go into the catch pen when the Boss asks us to" – that’s great fun!  Mind you, she often plays dirty and offers food – then what is an alpaca to do? Yeah, go for it!  Another of my favourite games is "Pronking around the paddock" (For any non-alpacas reading this; - "Pronking" involves jumping in the air, all four feet off the ground, straight upwards, preferably while running at full pelt in an unexpected direction),  but not hitting your mouth on the gate like I did last time! 

Well, they are a bit small for that at the moment, but it’s a lesson well learnt, and passed on willingly – better warned than whacked, I always say!

Then there are the rolling games, great in this paddock - if you start at the top you can roll all the way down the slope!  It's not such a slope in their field – but someone needs to tell Charm not to roll onto buckets, as that just spills the food out and the grown-ups eat it all! 

Charm is a very bright kid and learns quickly – Chris, however, is probably going to take after his big brother, Alexander, - and look great but not have a lot upstairs! 

Now me, I have the looks, the brains and the charm  -  that’s what makes me an Alpaca of Distinction – oh yes, and I’m modest too!

October 19th. Golly! If it wasn't so boring around here, I'd never manage to get any work done on my latest screenplay.

We've been having a small Devon shower - what they call "torrential rain" in other parts of the country. This particular shower has lasted about three to four days so far!

Anyway, this has given me some ideas for a new story. I thought it could be called "Humming in the Rain" - that could be a musical with everyone humming under the  BOSS's umbrella, and maybe doing a "Soft-Foot Shuffle" in our puddles. You haven't seen anything until you've seen an alpaca dance! (Feet go in every direction!)

Or, how about this! "Devon's Eleven" the eleven of us could probably hatch a plot to pinch something of really fantastic value like..... Umm, like...... let me see, I know - Farmer Roy's Hay store! NOTHING could be more valuable than a never-ending supply of HAY!

Wait a minute! How could I have missed this! Of course! - "Only Fools and Alpacas" - We could get the BOSS and "Other Half" to star in THAT with us - just don't call ME Rodney.

Talking about holidays, (which I know we weren't, but I want to, and it's MY Diary!), my Number One Fan (Jacki) has gone on holiday to a beach called Egypt. Apparently they have cousins of mine living there - Camels. They've been playing in the sand and looking for the sea for generations, with no success, they must really have "the hump" by now!  -  O.K. So I AM bored!

October 25th. You know, just when you get really settled and in a routine, someone comes along and moves your things all about the place.

The BOSS decided that I needed a new paddock, it being the only nice sunny day this week, so Other Half moved me in next to the pregnant mums.

Then the BOSS decided I needed a shelter (GOOD idea), so Other Half dismantled one of the shelters and re-assembled it in my new paddock.

Then the BOSS decided it was time to trim Barley and Barnaby's toenails, so Other Half rounded them up into the catch pen next to me, and I had a grandstand view of Other Half holding the boys while the BOSS trimmed all sixteen nails.

Does anybody notice a pattern emerging here? Or is it just my imagination?

Then it rained. Real Devon rain - lots!

Anyway, about my shelter. I thought a shelter was supposed to... well, "Shelter" you. This shelter is the oldest on the field; it has a hole in the roof, a big hole in one wall - and it only has TWO walls! The wind comes in, the rain comes in, there's no hay in it because it blows away or gets wet - the only thing that doesn't come into my shelter is ME. So here I am, standing in a paddock of wet grass, with the wind blowing around my ears, the rain drenching me, watching everyone else looking at me from inside their DRY shelters! (Boy, when I lay it on , it even brings tears to MY eyes!)

Is this because I'm only a Wether! (Sob, sob) That I'm left out in the WEATHER? (Sob, sob!)  I DO have feelings you know! I AM an alpaca, you know! We are special - especially ME - I'm an Alpaca of Distinction! (Sniff!)

Hey! This Diary REALLY works, doesn't it. THAT didn't take long! The BOSS has got Other Half to come back and fix up my shelter. Now it really does feel like home - no drafts, no leaks, and I even got a supply of fresh hay!

Someone really DOES love me - don't you, BOSS