Ted's Diary
written by Amen Ra (Ted) The Alpaca of Distinction

November 5th. Tonight is Guy Fawkes night. From what I've managed to find out, this is a celebration of the day someone didn't manage to blow up the Government!
Very strange - I'll never understand you humans!

This started me thinking, what I need to figure out is what really important deed could I fail to do so that we could have a "Ted The Alpaca Of Distinction" night ?

No! I won't lower my standards just for a few fireworks! That's the trouble with being an Alpaca of Distinction - I'm just too perfect to fail at anything!

But on to a subject much closer to my heart - my stomach! "Other Half" has just gotten a new supply of hay. He tells me that it is local hay of a very good vintage - September 2005. Well it certainly tastes good! I can recommend it, served at field temperature, with a side order of Camelibra alpaca supplement and a trough of fresh water. You must come to breakfast with me some day soon, you'd love it.

I've heard that a famous author, Alpaca Christie, used to write murder mysteries. She would probably like to have met me - I'm planning to write a series starring me as the hero, a private detective called AL PACKER. My side kick, a retired army officer, Captain Tastings, would assist me in finding those lowest of low criminals, the dregs of society, - hay thieves! You might remember that earlier this year (July 6th) a considerable amount of my hay was taken, but it didn't take me long to solve that one - it turned out that "Other Half" had arranged it without telling me! Ifigured that out almost immediately - now THAT'S detecting!
I don't see why humans think solving mysteries is so difficult - you just ask the BOSS - she knows everything (or so "Other Half" told me)

By the way, speaking of breakfast, which we weren't, but I do try to as often as possible, did you know that there are only 50 first breakfasts until Christmas. I can hardly wait; the BOSS has said I can have a Christmas Stocking full of presents this year.

I still have plenty of time to convince her that I will need FOUR Christmas Stockings, - because, of course, I have FOUR legs!
 

15th  November.  Well, Folks the wind and the rain is back!  Do I care? - No!  I have my new fleece growing through at a fantastic rate and a shelter – well, thereby hangs a tale.

I must be the unluckiest alpaca in the world as far as shelters are concerned ( See 25th October ) now after some really Devonian winds, guess what? My shelter has NO ROOF, only two sides, one with a great big hole in it that the Boss refers to as my WINDOW – perhaps this new feature is a SKY LIGHT!  If I squeeze up against the corner and lay on my precious hay both of us stay quite dry – but I ask you, is this the way an Alpaca of Distinction should be treated?

Ivory has a lovely shelter – with a roof and no window, and he never uses it, where’s the justice in that!  I can see I shall have to have words with Other Half. 

It’s probably because the Boss has been away to see her relatives for a few days – things slow down a bit when she’s away.  Mind you, the upside is Other Half spoils us ALL, not just Alex! He spend hours talking to us, giving us treats and loads of hay, afternoon walks and not so many cuddles – that’s a bonus.  When the Boss comes back he’s too busy building this and that, fencing, clearing out shelters and fixing things around the farm –but he still finds time to chat and fetch hay for us.

Now the Boss is back I shall refuse to be cuddled unless my shelter is sorted and go on hunger strike if necessary – well, maybe not that far! I’m sure the non-cuddle bit will work!

Well, that worked!  The Boss really doesn’t like to see me unhappy, and as you know I can lay it on when necessary.  New field, new shelter and the hay store – who loves me then!  Perhaps I shouldn’t give up my ambition to be on the silver screen – ah, an actor’s life for me!  Now where shall I start with this hay?

29th  November.   Do you know, I never thought there would be an "Up" side to that nasty little visit from the VET last July, but I've just been watching a "spit off".

This is an old fashioned form of pregnancy test - a "Macho male" is introduced to a female, and if she is pregnant she spits at him, lots!

Poor old Alexander. The BOSS and "Other Half" walked him, all unsuspecting, into the catch pen with my sister Boadie. He thought Christmas had arrived early! Unfortunately for him, she was pregnant, so all he got was lots and lots of green smelly spit! Again!

Good for the BOSS. Good for "Other Half". Good for Boadie. Bad for Alex! Ha! Ha!

Of course you can't use a lad that's been .....well you know. So I get to be with all the ladies, and I don't get spat at, ever. Well THAT's the theory, anyway!

We've all been moved around again. I think the BOSS thought it was getting too quiet and settled, so she wanted everyone to change fields. That was amusing, - Ivory and Barnaby have fallen out over who is the the more macho, but haven't been able to settle the matter because they were too far apart. So when they were moved into adjacent fields things really livened up. Until the BOSS noticed. Then, guess what? Yep! She moved us around yet AGAIN!

The BOSS is having trouble producing my new range of Ted Wear Ski hats - you humans have an unnaturally low ear position, and flat ears! unlike the perfect ears that we alpacas have! If they are ALPACA ski hats - surely the ear holes should be for an alpaca; but the BOSS says NO ear holes - humans like to keep their ears warm. And no-one argues with her - she's the BOSS!