Ted's Diary
written by Amen Ra (Ted) The Alpaca of Distinction

Sunday 4th June. Hi fans!

Sorry there has been a delay in getting this entry onto the web, but as you know I am truly an Alpaca of Distinction, however that does not mean I can use a laptop or any other type of keyboard. Maybe some enterprising entrepreneur could invent one especially for animals without opposing thumbs! Or any type of thumbs come to that! The BOSS and "Other Half" have been very busy over the last few days – one of the less fun activities was our monthly "health check". Totally unnecessary, in my humble opinion! Poking, peering, prodding! Checking this, that and the other – am I too fat, am I too thin? Do my toe nails need trimming? Are my teeth okay! Yes! Yes! I'm fine! Did I hear the V-E-T mentioned. Oh yes! I can spell! All animals learn thatword very early in life. Well after all that they seemed to be happy with me, and why not I ask you? You don’t get to be a web-celeb looking like a wreck. So no Blue Bag, no clippers – just the indignity of a kiss, yuck!

Sauntering casually back into My paddock I stopped and stared very hard at my pals. That Alex had been eating my grass again – he takes advantage every time! This time I chased him off and nibbled his neck for good measure – honest it was just a playful nibble! The Boss was in the paddock before I could take another deep breath and shooed me into catch pen, muttering something about hormones and teenagers – and possibly the V-E-T word again. So I decided to behave and munched quietly on my own for an hour or so, then gave her all the pathetic looks I could manage, humming ‘sorry’ rather pathetically. Quite an Oscar performance if I may say so myself! Eventually I was let back in with the other two and after sidling up to the ’Big Guy’ and giving him the same act, I dashed around the paddock, showing off my very best pronking technique, then got down to the serious business of eating My grass.

Oh, did I mention it is not raining! We have glorious sunshine down here in Devon – at last!

Sunday 11th June. What a week this has been. It's been boring, boring, boring, non stop, all week. I've been enjoying the glorious sunshine, catching a few rays, (topping up my celebrity tan, if you know what I mean) just waiting for the good old dependable Devon rain to arrive and spoil it, and then....... it didn't rain. So what happened? Did we have a change of government when I wasn't looking? Because "Other Half" said last week that "We never had weather like this under the Conservatives!" and he must be right, - unless the BOSS says he's wrong, of course.

I've been thinking, which I do a lot, being such an Alpaca of Distinction like I am, and I've decided that my fan Jacki - you know, the one who went to New York last week - must have gone a long long way away to this New York place; probably almost as far as Honiton, and that's a WHOLE day's walk from here (with a few lunch stops, of course). I'll bet she'll have sore feet by the time she gets back! "Other Half" tried pulling my leg when he told me about it - HE said she was going to FLY! Now COME ON! I know humans do some strange things, and if you're the BOSS you can do some really strange things (AND get "Other Half" to do even stranger things!) But flying! He must think I'm as silly as my mate Fred.

Hey! I've just had another thought though - you don't suppose Jacki has been to that Hogwarts School like Harry Potter, do you? They taught him to fly! "Other Half" was telling me all about him, but when the BOSS overheard him, she told him not to be so silly, so he had to get back to work. I think it was supposed to be a "Humans Only" secret! I'm going to watch Jacki VERY closely next time she visits me, some of the things they taught that Harry Potter to do sounded awful scary to me.

That's all for now, but with all this magical talk, I think I'll put some garlic around my shelter tonight; it's a full moon, and you can't be too careful, you know.

Sunday 18th June.  Hi every one!  Guess what! it's still summer – hot and sunny!  Wonderful!  I have just enjoyed a refreshing dust bath.  Clouds of dust everywhere.  Alex did not appreciate getting his lovely whiteness covered in grey dust – but I told him that multi coloured alpacas are definitely the thing to be!  We are the ‘special’ ones – we get more attention than plain, boring white or light fawn alpacas – there are not so many of us and there is not another alpaca like ME anywhere in the world – you've guessed it!  I’m an Alpaca of Distinction.

 Talking of light fawns, yesterday Barley and Barnaby were due to have their nails trimmed – it was very, very hot – even just after breakfast. The BOSS opened the catch pen and waited for the youngsters to walk in, as they usually do.  Were they going to oblige – oh no!  they sauntered over to the open gate then as soon as she appeared to herd them in they dashed off and raced around the paddock.  This happened a good few times – the youngsters enjoying themselves and us ‘older’ boys watching with great interest.  Some days it is very boring here!  Not this morning.  Boss was getting more and more annoyed and ‘other half’ was laughing at the antics of both wife and alpacas.  Finally BOSS gave up and went over to trim Alex’s nails instead.  Her back had not been turned two seconds when the boys raced up to the catch pen and started to eat the supplement put out to tempt them – with Ivory keeping an eye out for the return of BOSS.

 Ivory, you all remember, is a bit of a wimp. As BOSS slowly crept up on the unsuspecting boys he dashed off, just in case he got caught and had his nails done! So out dashed Barely and Barnaby.  As I have mentioned before some alpacas are a good deal more intelligent than others!

Trying a new tactic, Other Half suggested that the other catch pen gate be left open, at the bottom of the paddock.  Boss said it wouldn’t work.  But, guess what, those youngster just dashed over to see what was different about this pen – got you! Shouted BOSS. 

Excitement over as they gave up and in a few moments all eight feet had been trimmed and two rather ‘sheepish’ alpaca boys suffered kisses and cuddles before being let back in with their mate Ivory- who sighed with relief.  Whether from not having his nails trimmed or not having a kiss and a cuddle, it was hard to tell! 

Thursday 22nd June.    The BOSS has been telling me that she and ‘Other Half’ went out Sunday afternoon to a Guide Dogs for the Blind Garden Party.  BOSS was very good and explained exactly what a garden party was and how the dogs help blind humans.  What I want to know is; who helps blind dogs?  Could there be an opportunity here for an enterprising alpaca?  Guide Alpacas for Blind Dogs – sounds good, don’t you think.  Someone has to look after them, and we do make good  ‘guard dogs’ - I mean ‘guard alpacas’ for sheep, so we can do some of the jobs that dogs do, even better than they can.  We don’t need to go for walks – mind you I do enjoy a stroll around the farm on my halter once in a while.  We don’t need to be fed tinned food, we just nibble the grass we stand on!  I think we, as alpacas, need to give this dog verses alpaca business some thought! ‘Sniffer’ alpacas, maybe! ‘Rescue’ alpacas! Wecould herd sheep, - if we wanted to, that is! Just don't go telling me to "Come Bye" or "Go Bye" or whatever it is. We do have SOME pride, you know, you'd just have to have a discussion with us, and we'd help you decide how best to move your sheep around! Ah well!  where is that dust bath...... all this thinking makes me quite warm.

 We had a visit from the V E T today. She's a nice lady, especially if she stays away from me! This time she had a young "Work Experience" friend with her, I liked her, too. She showed the proper appreciation for me (and the rest of the herd, of course), but she really liked my varied colours, that shows real taste!

After she had gone, BOSS and Other Half put Alex on his halter, and - you'd never guess - they took him into the catch pen WITH MY MOTHER! and my half sister! Ha! Ha! He got spat at! Right in the face! My mum really knows how to tell a young upstart like him "Thanks, but No Thanks!".  But Boadie....... WHAT a Hussey! I mean, you'd think she had never seen a macho alpaca before! Lying there in the dust, worshipping at his feet! It was just as well the BOSS had him on a halter or Alex would have ended up my Brother-in-Law!

Monday 26 June.  I've just found out a new name for "Rain" - the BOSS says "It's Wimbledon today, and that means rain!". I don't think the new word will catch on though, I mean, you can't easily say "It's Wimbledon-ing outside" - that's just silly. I'll never understand these humans, why can't they be nice and simple, like other animals. Speaking of which; - the BOSS and Other Half moved us all around, yet again, on Sunday. Which meant that I was in the next field to the girls. In the next field to Boadie! She's awful cute, you know, but My Goodness! I hope she doesn't grow up to behave like her Mum, Cleopatra! Just because she's pregnant, when I spoke to her across the fence, she spat green goo right in my face! YUK!

I mean, Cleopatra is MY Mum, too! ..........  Which makes Boadie my half sister! ........ I'd forgotten that. But what's a guy to do? All the girls are pregnant, apart from Boadie.  Life just isn't fair!

There does seem to be an awful lot of spitting going on around here just at the moment - maybe a mask would come in handy - how's that for a new career - Ted ; the Lone Ranger! and his faithful side-kick "Freddo". Or even better Zorro - the Masked Alpaca Strikes Again!  I wonder how I could get an agent?  I'm sure with all my hidden - and not so hidden -talent I'd be snapped up, just like that!  Being a web-celeb gives me a head start, and what with my new, all grown-up physique (see I can even spell). Now come on all you talent scouts out there; let's give the Alpaca of Distinction a chance at the big time.  I'm even going into publishing this autumn with the first instalment of "the Life and Times of An Alpaca...". you guessedthe rest!  With lots of pictures of yours truly, oh yes, and the rest of the gang.

Now for the more challenging side of life - where have all the docks gone?  starvation rations again I see - this isn't the Andes, you know, this is the lush green hills of Devon - when they're not mowed down for hay - to feed HORSES no less!  Maybe I will find a morsel here somewhere....

(Come on, tennis players! WE need the rain! Think of all of us starving alpacas!)

Friday 30 June.  Run For The Hills!  Run For The Hills!  Wait a minute - I AM in the hills!  We're being invaded by an Unidentified Flying Object  (Well, I can't identify it, anyway). They must be coming for ME - if they're looking for INTELLIGENT life, that is! Well, they wouldn't bother with Fred, would they! Perhaps they've been reading my Diary and think I really AM Zorro! It's been going on all morning - perhaps they can't decide whether I can overpower them and save the world - just think - Super Hero Ted! I think one of those capes would be good, but I wouldn't want to wear a pair of underpants outside some tights - that might be a bit silly! not to mention uncomfortable! How does Superman concentrate with everyone laughing at his clothes?

Wait a minute, the BOSS says it's something called a "helicopter" - I must have looked puzzled, because she explained it was tinned people, and they shouldn't be flying that low! They aren't scaring me but it is scaring all our pregnant ladies by repeatedly "Buzzing" over our field. I think we would prefer aliens - they might have a bit more care over who they are scaring!

Speaking of dumb creatures, I've just noticed my Mum, Cleopatra! She doesn't have the sense she was born with, sometimes I wonder who it is that I take after. Here it is, 27 degrees of sunshine, and instead of taking a drink, she kicks all the water out before anyone can get a mouthful. Poor old Other Half is running around the field like a maniac trying to keep up with her, refilling all the troughs! It's just as well he hasn't noticed the BOSS; - she's just standing watching him, and having a good laugh.

All this excitement has quite worn me out! It's way past my third breakfast time, and if I don't hurry, I'll be late for first lunch!

By the way, the BOSS tells me I have a Polish Fan who reads my page regularly. Hi there, Polish Fan! Drop me a line and introduce yourself, so that I can make Fred jealous! He doesn't have any fans, not like ME! We don't feel sorry for him, do we?