Ted's Diary
written by Amen Ra (Ted) The Alpaca of Distinction

Sunday  July 2nd.  Gosh, you should have been here today! I laughed so hard that I nearly gave up my place at the hay!

The BOSS and Other Half moved Alex into the field next to the girls, and that little hussey half-sister of mine wasted no time before making eyes at him through the wire! And poor old Alex didn't stand a chance - when  Boadie blinks those long eyelashes of hers, even a heart of ice would melt! Well, Alex is just a big softie, so he didn't stand a chance. Once Alex started to try to climb over the fence to get at her, the BOSS decided that perhaps it WASN'T such a good idea, (it must have been one of Other Half's ideas), and Alex was led away on his halter, back to his own field, pretty sharpish! I have to say, he looks more than a little "put out". Well, wouldn't you be?

Now BOSS has decided that a whole paddock will remain empty betweenus boys and the "Cutie Pie"; Boadie! Barley and Barnaby are too young to know what's going on, and Ivory is too much of a gentleman to show his true feelings on the matter - however, his nose seems permanently fixed to the fence which separates HIM from the girls. Do I detect a spark of interest there? Hard Luck, boy! You have to wait your turn. Alex is oldest, so he's first in line. I wonder where I come into all this? After all I am An Alpaca of Distinction, so I should be first! Oops, I forgot! I'm related to her. But there's always Conker, now THERE'S an alpaca with experience! I like a challenge!

Thursday 6th July.  I crept through the undergrowth, my natural camouflage hiding me from the intruders, my night vision glasses fixed to my head. It was 10 o'clock at night, with only a crescent moon, but I could see them perfectly.

There were six of them, all ages, hoping that they could take all my hay without me knowing! As I crept forward, the guardian of the whole field, Zorro the Alpaca, I found I had a problem; - the fence! The BOSS and Other Half hadn't supplied me with wire cutters! How was I going to stop them from loading all the hay bales on that trailer?

Phew! It's O.K.! The BOSS and Other Half have arrived in time to save the day. Hang on, - why don't they stop them, they're chatting with them! They're letting them take MY hay! They must have  arranged this without me knowing - NOT that I'd have given my  permission, of course! It's all right for them, they eat strange stuff, that grows in a special field called a supermarket. But I've only got my grass and hay, and they're letting people take it away to give to other animals! Oh, it's alright, they've left me a couple of bales for breakfast, and Other Half says he'll give me extra supplement in the morning.

These night vision glasses are really good - they make everything green - my favourite colour, and I'll be able to protect everyone much better now that I can see in the dark.

Then there's the added bonus, of course, - I get to see all the girls getting ready for bed each night!

Sunday July 9th.  I've come across a problem. As you know, I've got these new night vision glasses (see previous Diary entry) so that I can guard the herd even  better than I usually do. The BOSS has given me pictures of foxes and badgers so that I know what to look out for, I don't know where they got the pictures from, but they don't look right to me! If I see anything like those on my field, I'm going to give up drinking - and I only drink water!

I've been watching Betsy, the BOSS tells me she's about to have a baby, I think she's wrong - I think Betsy is going to have a whole herd! She's huge! As she  waddles about the field you can almost feel the ground shake!

But seriously, it'll be nice to get some new faces around here, since so many of the herd were sold there's hardly enough of us left to keep the grass down. And babies are SO cute. Other Half says he's going to take loads of pictures of the happy event, and put them on the website.

The BOSS says Betsy had better have a girl, or she'll be in trouble! I'm sure she's only kidding, but just so we don't find out, I'll try having a quiet word in Betsy's ear.

I'm a bit disappointed, - here I am, an Alpaca of Distinction, a Web Celeb, more sexy than Johnny Depp (whoever he is!), more adventurous than Harrison Ford (I thought that was a type of car), more handsome than Orlando Bloom (and I thought that was a flower), and I'm still waiting to be snapped up by some eager film company talent scout. Don't they recognise a real star when they see one?

I know, just to show them I'm flexible, I'll be a Pirate this time; - Captain Black - the Scourge of the Seven Acres - in "Pirates of the Arboretum", (seeing as I'm surrounded by trees!). Or maybe even "Pirates of the Carborundum" - a Gritty Tale of the Sea (except the seaside is five miles from here!). What do YOU think? Any suggestions?

Ahar, Fred, Lad!   (Just practising)

Thursday 13th July.  I've been on guard all week, - so far NO foxes or badgers. I had a chat last night with a very smelly creature calling himself Wiley. He looked a bit like a brown dog with a bushy tail, and even though we'd just met, he agreed to let me know if any foxes came into the field, even if they were being sneaky and not wearing sox (see yesterday's Diary Page). Apparently foxes are well known for lying and fooling you, or so my new friend said. It'll be a poor day when they can fool me, let me tell you!

We need security around here, Betsy is due to have her cria (baby) any day now, and I just know that everyone relies on me, being an Alpaca of Distinction, and all. I've been trying to organise Fred, Alex, and the boys into a group for herd protection - I think I'll call it something catchy.....  Umm...... What about a "Security With Alpacas Together" Team, we could call ourselves by the initials - the S.W.A.T. team. Sounds good, doesn't it - we'd better use the name before someone else thinks of it.

I've explained this security thing to Fred loads of times, but he still hasn't got it right - just because the fox picture the BOSS gave me is small, Fred thinks foxes must be small! Now he thinks they might sneak in UNDER the wire, so he's crawling about looking for low level intruders! Oh, well, at least he's trying to help, which is more than can be said for Mr High and Mighty Alex! He's only interested in Bodie! Mind you, she is pretty appealing.

The BOSS still won't let me have any wire cutters to get out of the field, so if I see anything I'll let out my battle cry - Other Half says it sounds like a manic donkey, whatever that is! He says it's a compliment - I'm not so sure, I noticed him sniggering behind his hand when he told me, and that's not a good sign.

I must be doing something right - both the BOSS and Other Half keep coming up to me and saying what a good boy I am. I mean, - I know that!  But why do they keep looking at my "Under bits"? And who is this "Special Visitor" that's coming to see me next week? Just me. But that's only natural, isn't it? I AM special. Will you STOP looking at my "Bits"!

Sunday July 16 .  There's more to this guarding lark than I first thought. There I was last night, sneaking through the tall grass (there's not a lot left - the BOSS cut most of it down last week), when I was jumped on by Fred. He said that I was a "low level intruder" and likely to be a fox! Sometimes I think Fred used to keep his brain in the area the VET chopped off!

Then he explained further - What makes a fox a fox? THE SOCKS! And I have white socks so I MUST be a fox! Can this be true? Am I a FOX? NO! NO! I hear you all shout! I am an ALPACA of Distinction!  I must look into this further.........

Monday July 17th  I spoke to my bushy friend Wiley, last night. He says if you look carefully at the picture of the fox that the BOSS gave me, you can see he has a pointed nose, not a nose of Distinction, like mine. So that settled the matter - I am not a fox!

Being a curious sort of alpaca, I enquired what sort of animal Wiley was. You know, he's brown and dog-like with a big bushy tail, nothing like anything I've ever seen. He said he was a Kitsune, of Japanese descent. I just said "Oh, yes, of course!" but I haven't a clue what he was talking about. I must remember to ask the BOSS, she knows everything (or so Other Half is always saying).

I'm getting VERY suspicious about the strange behaviour around here. Other Half took me for ANOTHER walk on my halter today. He kept telling me I was a good boy, but he kept looking at my "bits"! He said I was going to have a special visitor on Friday, and not to worry. WHY would I worry? I like people!

Betsy is getting absolutely HUGE! If she doesn't have that baby soon, we'll have a seismic shock in Devon when she bursts! Conker is looking massive now, too. Mind you, she IS due at the same time. She obviously looks after her figure. What are "Pelvic Floor Exercises" anyway?

We have just heard that the love of my life, Jet, won't be coming back to me. They sold her without asking my permission! What am I supposed to do now? I'm a normal teenager (well almost - I'm one and a half years old!), and all the girls here (except for my half-sister) are as old as my mother! and WHY is Other Half saying not to worry about it?

Friday July 21st.  The VET, Tessa, came today.  To see me.  She brought a helper, and the BOSS and Other Half brought their friend Geraldine to lend a hand. They all ganged up on me, and gave me an injection which made me feel VERY strange. Friend Geraldine started to look extremely attractive, but rejected all my advances. Things got really fuzzy for a while, but I think at one point I got a cuddle from sexy Geraldine.

Then whatever happened was all over, and the BOSS cuddled me! and kissed me! Yuk!  Everyone said I was a good boy, and my Geraldine said I was handsome - but of course I am! (I think Geraldine's pretty, too! Not bad for a creature with only two legs!)  They all admired my fleece and my distinctive colouring, and what a cool, chilled out guy I am - well an alpaca can take only so much praise and admiration!  "How much?"  I hear you ask?  Oh, much more than you would think! 

After all this kissing, cuddling and lavish praise I was left in my paddock to rest under my brand new shelter - they call it a gazebo, apparently ALL thecelebs have one.  I felt a little strange for a while, a bit spaced out - now I know what Fred feels like - he's always spaced out!

I heard the Boss talking to the VET;  it seems that in a few weeks I shall lose interest in the GIRLS.  Oh, they think so do they!   Me? lose interest in GIRLS?  No chance!  Where's that Boadie?  Whoops - sister - must remember that!  Well, time for some shut-eye now, maybe this strange soreness will wear off by the time I wake up.

July 24.  What I want to know, is this; WHO was John Wayne? What was it about HIS walk that has resembled mine for the past couple of days after the VET's visit?

Enough of this, let's get serious. Did whatever Tessa the VET do to me make me any less the perfect Casanova? I ask this because we have had several people visiting the farm today, but they all wanted to see FRED! And one couple might even buy him! How could they when I am here to be compared to?

One of the ladies, Amanda, was REALLY interesting, and I followed her everywhere she went, up close and personal. She could take me home with her, anytime. But the BOSS said No! Could it be that the BOSS has a crush on me? She was kissing and cuddling me on Friday! I think Other Half and I will have to sit down and have a serious talk about this, oh, and about ladies in general, I can't imagine why I didn't see their attraction before.

Did I tell you about Chris? No? Gosh, we had a big event yesterday; Betsy had a baby boy at about 10.30 in the morning. It all happened very quickly, and we all got to watch! Yuk! The BOSS has called him Crystal Dream, or just Chris for short. Other Half said he was called Chris because he reminded him of Kris Krinkle, with his curly baby coat. He seemed to think it was funny, but the BOSS didn't laugh, so he shut up and got on with taking loads of photographs. (You can see the photos of Chris on his own page)

I'm beginning to have second thoughts about my friend, Wiley (see Diary page July 13). Chatting to him last night while on Fox-watch, he kept talking about the excitement of chasing chickens! A strange sort of dog, is my friend Wiley.

The fox and badger watching isn't going too well, we haven't seen anything that looks like the pictures that Other Half gave me (see Diary page July 9). The BOSS gave him a right ticking off when she saw them. She's going to get me some more serious pictures, so that all the expense of buying me my night vision goggles (see Diary page July 6) will be worth it.

July 27th.  I think I've been a bit silly. It wasn't MY fault, honest. It was all to do with those silly pictures the "Other Half" gave me so that I'd know what a fox and a badger looked like. (See Diary Page July 9)

The BOSS has given me real pictures now, and it certainly looks an awful lot like my new friend Wiley, well.... it sort of looks like he just might be..... a Fox! He told me he was a "Kitsune". Well I didn't know what that was, but I've looked it up on my laptop and it seems he thinks he's related to the Japanese Fox God! More likely Basil Brush!

Oh Dear, how am I ever going to explain this one away? Perhaps no-one will find out. I won't mention it to anyone. I just can't wait for Wiley to turn up again, I think he and I need a little "talk".

On to more pleasant things; young Chris is a real cutie-pie! "Other Half" is racing around the field trying to get photographs of him, but he likes that game and keeps running away as soon as he sees the camera.

Then we really got something to watch! "Other Half" and the BOSS decided to pick up Chris to make sure he was developing OK. "Not such a bad idea" I hear you say. BUT Betsy is his mum! And Betsy is VERY protective of her little offspring. And Betsy won't let anyone touch her little baby, or else!

We've never seen so much green, smelly, goo-ey spit flying out of one animal as we saw from Betsy, and it was very well aimed! The BOSS and "Other Half" were coated! It was in their hair, on their faces, their clothes. It was dripping and smelling from them as they beat a very hasty retreat out of the paddock. We had a grandstand view, and luckily the wind was in the right direction for us - of course there is no right direction for the person doing the green "Hulk" impression. Not until after liberal scrubbing under the shower!

More people came to visit Fred, yesterday. I'm starting to get a bit jealous. He's getting more visitors than I am. But I have to say, the human ladies do smell awfully nice. What DID that VET do to me last week? I've never felt this way about humans before, but at least I feel fine and the way I walk is getting back to normal!

The weather is HOT, HOT, HOT!  I don't mind, because I've got my executive gazebo with it's own water and hay supplies, in fact all us alpacas have nice shady shelters to rest in. Of course it helps to have your own humans to top up supplies as they run down. My, but don't they sweat a lot as they run around the field after us!