Ted's Diary
written by Amen Ra (Ted) The Alpaca of Distinction

3rd December.  Gosh! Now THAT was windy last night - gale force winds up to 98 MPH. Luckily all the shelters point the other way so we could all keep out of the breeze.

Then, of course, we had torrential rain. "Other Half" got awfully wet bringing us our breakfast in bed. It's a hard life being a human.

The wind was a bit scarey for the kids, Charm and Chris, but the rest of us have been here long enough to know that Devon weather only comes in Double doses. When it's dry - there's a drought. When it's wet - it floods. When there's a breeze - it's gale force. When it's cold - we get snowed in. Just like home!

It's that time of the month again - we all get a thorough checkup at the start of each month: The BOSS makes sure we don't have runny noses, our toenails get clipped if they need it, teeth looked at, eyes are peered into, coats get checked - we call it our BOOPA plan - that's the "Breeding Our Own Perfect Alpaca" plan. (It's obviously working - after all, just look at ME!)

"Other Half" tells me that there's only 21 first breakfasts until Christmas.  I think I've managed to convince him to give me FOUR Christmas stockings, as I've got 4 legs. But the problem is - what do you give the alpaca with everything? Of course the answer is - MORE HAY! You can never have enough hay.

December 17th Hi fans! IT’S NEARLY CHRISTMAS! ARE YOU ALL EXCITED?

I AM! I can’t remember much about last Christmas, except it was very cold and we had snow – lots of snow! Oh, and my mum was poorly on Boxing Day, so the vet came out to see her – poor mum.  That vet is really great, a quick jab and she was her old self again, munching the grass and sorting that Betsy out. 

Well this year it is quite mild, wet and a bit windy but not cold, so why have I got to keep this big wool coat on? Ah, it stays on until May, the Boss has just told Alex.  What! Mine has to stay on even longer in case I get to go to a show!  Um..um.? A WHAT? A SHOW! ME!
Well, I never did! Ted the Alpaca of Distinction going to a show.  With who? Ah, Barnaby and Ivory.  Now that will be interesting. In the same trailer? Oh, my word! I will have to play the peacekeeper, once again! We can’t all go in the same class? Ah, the wether class? Okay I can live with that. Could be fun. Watch this space!

Back to a more pressing problem. It is Christmas in eight days! No cards for TED, no stocking for TED and no tinsel for TED. Come on folks; remember who I am – yeah, that’s right - the Alpaca of Distinction! Cards, presents, tinsel and more presents, I think I will like Christmas. I wonder how often it comes round? I’ll have to ask the Boss, she’s gone off to help the other half to sort out some photos – of HORSES- I ask you! why take pictures of HORSES when there is a field full of beautiful alpacas to photograph?

Oh, the horses were jumping.  Well, how about pronking? We alpacas are good at that! Will we have to jump at our show? No, that’s good, just pronking then? "NO! NO!" says the Boss.  "Just standing and walking."  And hay? "Possibly" says Boss. No hay - no TED!

Just to remind the Boss again, I really do believe in Father Christmas. If he gives hay to his reindeer he can always leave some here for me – can’t he?  I have really been very good – for an alpaca that is, and I really only want some more hay and a new lead rope for the SHOW – did the Boss say there would be hay?

December 23rd Only two days to go! I'm SO excited.

Other Half came in to give me some Camelibra supplement this morning, and I was ALREADY UP! That's a first!  He told me to calm down, because I couldn't get full control of my lips, and I kept spilling my supplement all over the grass.

Anyway, we are having problems with the local rabbit population - they are digging holes all over the field. It's all very untidy!  I was having this "In Depth" conversation with Other Half about it - he says it's all the fault of natural selection.  Apparently the fast moving traffic has weeded out all the slow, silly rabbits, and the ones that are left can run at 70MPH and solve Soduku problems or Rubik Cubes while they run! He calls them High Speed MENSA rabbits! - He wouldn't be pulling my leg on this, would he?

The past couple of days have been really foggy, I hope Santa Claus has Sat Nav, GPS, and Radar, I'd hate to think of all those disappointed children (AND alpacas) if he gets grounded by fog.

Gosh! Did I tell you the news? We had a visit from some really nice people from Essex - Joe and Ann. (You can always tell NICE people, they are the ones that really appreciate ME, after all I am an Alpaca of Distinction) They asked me to say a BIG Hello to their Grandchildren: So - HELLO to Ashley, Charlie, Holly, and Shannan from me (Ted) and Nanny and Granddad.

Joe and Ann are going to have Barleycorn come to live with them in the New Year. And when I was chatting to Joe, he mentioned that Jet (Sexy Legs) is already living with him! So THAT'S where she went! And now Barleycorn will have her all to himself! She was MY girl! Some alpacas have all the luck. Joe says he will read my Diary to Barleycorn so that he won't get homesick, and can keep up with the latest news about the rest of the herd. Isn't he a nice man.

You can read all about Jet in my new book, now for sale (see below) - I'm a published Author at last!

(Did I mention - ONLY TWO DAYS TO CHRISTMAS!)
I'm dreamin' of a HAY Christmas,
jus' like the ones I'd like to have.......

December 24th It's foggy, damp, dim, and muddy -where's this White Christmas that Other Half keeps singing about? Even my tinsel necklace is in danger of getting rusty!

Other Half has explained it all to me - today is Christmas EVE - that means it's EVENING all day! That's why it's so dark.

I'm getting really excited, it's Christmas tomorrow. I've been convinced by the BOSS that my new Christmas sack will hold more hay than even four stockings. That makes sense - my stockings would have to be thin and shapely, like my legs.

Thank you to everyone who sent me Christmas Cards- the BOSS has put them on the fence with my haysack, so that Santa can see themwhen he leaves my hay.

If you see Santa before I do, would you make sure he knows there are lots of alpacas waiting for him to call down here at Little Gem Alpacas in Devon. I've been good all year - he just has to read my Diary to see that.

(Did I mention - ONLY ONE DAY TO CHRISTMAS!)
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
And a HAY-FILLED New Year!

December 25th

IT'S CHRISTMAS ! !

Father Christmas has been, and WHAT a clever man he is - he's left me just what I wanted

HAY

In fact, everyone got hay. Just what they all wanted.

Remind me to ask the BOSS how many Un-Christmas's there are in the year - I like this idea.

Ted and all the alpacas (Oh! and the BOSS and Other Half, of course) wish you a very merry Christmas and we hope you have a prosperous New Year (and plenty of hay)