Ted's Diary
written by Amen Ra (Ted) The Alpaca of Distinction

August 1st.   Stop Press! Shock, Horror!, - the BOSS has sold my best friend Fred! - what am I going to do - all on my own in this great big paddock - Hey, wait a minute! Yes! HAY! - it's all MY hay now. AND the BOSS said I can go in with the GIRLS later - WOW! Things are getting better by the minute. Anyway, Fred will probably be very happy, wherever it is that he's going.

I had better be on my best behaviour for the next few weeks, so the BOSS doesn't change her mind.

I wonder what sort of games I can teach those girls!! Boadie seems up for anything! Life is never dull for long around here!

I hear we are going to have a barbeque later this month, isn't that GREAT! (I wonder what a barbeque is?) We are going to have food, more visitors, and food, and children are coming, and food - WOW! a party! The BOSS says all these people are coming to see ME! Oh,yeah, AND the babies, of course. AND ME!

The babies, the babies, it's always the babies. Chris gets ALL the attention - they talk to him, cuddle him, watch him, photograph him - Crystal DREAM? more like Crystal NIGHTMARE! What about ME - I AM the Alpaca of Distinction, you know!

You should have seen that silly young Chris trying to chase a crow yesterday. He fell on his nose more than once!

He needs his Uncle Ted to teach him to creep up on them - stalking and creeping are what I do best. If he was bigger he could borrow my Zorro mask - people might think there was some sort of purpose behind all his galloping about, then.

Maybe the BOSS will let me in to play with him. I could teach him a thing or two - how to recognise wild life, how to choose the best hay, how to guard against foxes - Well, perhaps the less said about THAT, the better!

August 5th.   Today we said 'Farewell' to Fred.  Despite feeling a bit embarrassed, I obliged the BOSS by giving him a quick kiss on the cheek - just to prove I WILL miss him!  Well actually, there is this problem of the wind and rain - I could snuggle down behind him and be completely sheltered due to his fat - sorry, bulky - figure, and there is the problem of being on my own for few weeks before I can pal up with the GIRLS.  I can't wait to get into my new role of "Mentor" to those 'kids'.  Uncle Ted - the Alpaca of Distinction - is going to educate them in the ways of humans, and life generally around here.  I know that their mothers can do this, but THEY don't have the experience or the charm that I have! All they seem to do is sleep and eat.  Speaking of charm, have you seen our new baby GIRL - now that will be fun; getting to snuggle down with her over the next few months.  Oops! forgot - OPERATION!  Well anyway, you all know what a great imagination I have - I guess it's going to come in very handy from now on!

The BOSS's mother is coming down to see us, well, ME really.  I wonder if she looks like the BOSS?  As you can see I resemble MY mother.  Well we share the same hair style and we are both very attractive! I shall have to be on my best behaviour because I am going into the same field as my Mum in a few weeks time and boy! can she spit - mostly at Me over the fence.  Am I really that desperate to share my company I have to ask myself? 

The next exciting episode will be next week, when Betsy is having a Very Important Visitor! (His name's NOT "VIV", even if that is the initials!) I hope HE shows Alex and Ivory a thing or two - they think they are the 'big boys' around here.  Hang onto your fleece, lads!  The real 'big guy' is on his way!  I hope they watch carefully so they know what to do when its their turn!

August 10th.  TODAY was THE Day!  After days of boredom, everything happens at once.  What with the V.I.V. arriving, Ivory getting a fright, Alex....... Well, let me start at the beginning...........
It dawned a not too bright a morning - well it is Devon, remember!  We all stood about expectantly at our gates - then HE arrived in a customised trailer pulled by a real smart motor - us boys notice these things! 
Betsy waited in the mating pen, all haughty and indignant as usual.  Boy! was she in for a surprise!   V.I.V.'s owner (actually Uncle Bob from Wellground Alpacas) got out of the "real smart motor", and with the help of "Other Half", trimmed Betsy's nails - how's that for bravery?
The BOSS admired Uncle Bob's handiwork, and said that "Madam" hadn't had such a fine pedicure for two years!  I suppose Betsy was trying to impress the V.I.V. - fooling him into believing she was as cool and placid as he was!  I DON'T THINK SO! 
Once back on her feet, Uncle Bob led out the Cool Dude.  I must say - one look at Betsy and he was not so cool!  He made a mad dash for her and surprise! surprise! she welcomed him.  Women are so unpredictable - for the last eleven months she has been spitting at everyone, including poor little ME!  Now she lets a complete stranger take advantage of her - Well - I will never understand women!  Now while all that "business"  was going on, Uncle Bob came over to say "Hello" to us other boys.  He told me how much he likes my diary and never misses an episode - he's my No.1 fan, no less.  Too soon he moved on to greet our Alex and admire Ivory - Oh I forgot, he admired ME too. 
Boss asked if Ice Cool could check out Cleopatra - that's my mum.  Apparently these grown up guys can tell if the ladies are going to have babies - how Cool is that!  The V.I.V. obliged - oh dear, it doesn't look like there will be any more cria this year!  Then, oh my word, poor Ice Cool had to come away - he didn't like that, I can tell you. 
What an exciting few hours - and I can tell you it didn't end there, but due to lack of space I shall have to tell you about the afternoon shenanigans at the weekend!

August 17th.  Ouch! Having friends return can REALLY be painful!
What happened? Well, I got a bit over-excited when the BOSS brought Alex back from his little "Holiday". I did my best "pronking" (that's jumping in the air, all four feet off the ground, straight upwards, preferably while running at full pelt in an unexpected direction), and managed to land face first on a gate post! Blood everywhere, I did my best pathetic impression, and the VET came out to see me!  I thought I'd overdone the acting for a while, especially when the VET gave me a HUGE injection in my ...... well, YOU know where!  That must have been a drainpipe, not a needle! BOY! Did that sting!

"Other Half" gave me a big cuddle, and let me go for a specially long wander around my field, so I was able to get sympathy from everyone, especially the new kids. It was all "Wow! Does that REALLY hurt, Uncle Ted?" and "Gosh! Did it bleed loads and loads, Uncle Ted?" and "Gee! You are really brave, Uncle Ted!". I think I like these kids, they really appreciate me. As they should - I AM an Alpaca of Distinction, (with a fat lip!)

By the afternoon, I couldn't get very much more sympathy from anyone on the field - they were all "Sympathied Out", so I went back to being normal (well, as normal as I ever get). Then we had visitors, real Ted Fans! Of course they loved meeting me, who wouldn't! and I was perfectly behaved as I bathed in a new wave of sympathy about my lip (I didn't like to mention that the injection site was what REALLY hurt, along with my dignity!) The two boys, Ben and Oliver, had their picture taken with me, something they are sure to treasure for years to come, it's not every day you meet someone as famous as me! Ted - The Web-Celeb.

I really don't know how I manage to stay so modest!

August 21.  Hi Fans!  I have some fantastic news for you all. I am about to become the FIRST ALPACA to be a published author.  The wheels are in motion for the best entries of my diary to be published in the form of a full colour, soft back book - how about that!!  Could I get more famous?  Well probably - I'll work on that one.

The problem is I can't choose which Diary pages are the best, as I am in all of them, they are ALL good - especially the pictures of me!  What I was hoping was that some of you, my adoring fans, would send in requests for the pages you like best to be included.  The BOSS has kindly offered to send ALL my fans a free copy. Just send your name and address by e-mail, or phone us at Little Gem Alpacas for a copy and The BOSS has promised to see that you all get your copy before it goes on sale at Christmas.  I, that's me, Ted the Alpaca of Distinction, thought this would be nice "Thank you" to all of you who send me e-mails and wish me well.  Oh, by the way, yes, my lip does feel much better! Wasn't I a silly boy?

Funnily enough, today I seemed to get the cold shoulder from Other half as he spent hours and hours (well, a long time anyway) photographing Barnaby and Barleycorn instead of me -I think maybe they think he's more beautiful than I am.  Well I leave it up to you, my adoring public, to be the judge, but in my opinion light fawn teenagers just aren't a patch on us multi coloured ADULT alpacas - but then perhaps I am a little biased!  I must have a word with the BOSS, she seems rather preoccupied with studying them both lately! What have they got that I don't have, do you suppose - ah, forgot again!  Well except for that particular part of essential anatomy all us boys SHOULD have - but some of us DON'T!

You're better off without them, if you ask me! It gives you more time to concentrate on the really important things in life, like eating hay, or pondering on the title of my next book, and eating hay, or my next film, and eating hay, or figuring out which is my really best side for photographs, and eating hay, or ............... Well, you get the idea, don't you!

August 27th.  Do you know, I'm SO good looking, SO kind and generous with my time, SO friendly, and SO famous, that I have great difficulty staying modest! I really don't know how I manage it!

More visitors today. They must be queuing up outside the field, all hoping to catch a glimpse of me! Let them come, my only wish is to be appreciated!

Well anyway, I DID have guests today - there was my number one fan Jacki, and she brought all these other fans especially to see me and have their picture taken with me. They looked at the new babies as well, of course, but it was ME they came to see.

There was Stephen and Wendy, with their children Kieran and Rebecca, and their relatives Danni (she was nice!) and Josh (he was little, and ran around all the time). Jacki brought her "Hubby" (I think that's a human name for a field mate) Richard, and he brought a huge scary dog thing called Balin!

My fan club is getting bigger by the day - soon I'll have to start giving autographs The BOSS cut my nails after the fans went, so that I can sign photos!

You know, there comes a time in every alpaca's life when he (or she) has to join the herd. The humans have a funny way of showing that we belong - it's called "Tagging". And BOY! does it smart!

Friday was Chris and Charm's turn to become full members of the Little Gem Herd. The BLUE BAG came out, and they didn't realise the significance of it, poor unsuspecting babies. The blue bag is where the BOSS keeps her pills, potions and other magical items! Most of them "Ouchy!"

Out came the Ear tags, and the tagger - this looks like a HUGE pair of pliers. WE all knew what was coming, - all that is, except the kids. I must say, it was all over in a jiffy, they must have speeded up since I was done, I'm sure MINE was MUCH more painful! (No-one suffers like I do!) 

Of course, I'VE got a bigger number than they have, AND my tag is smaller, so that it won't show when I get into films, and I'm sure it's a better yellow colour than all the others. It's bound to be special - after all, I AM an Alpaca of Distinction! (AND modest!)

August 31st Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me, Happy Birthday to Meeee- eeeee , Happy Birthday to ME!

"Other Half" tells me I'm two today. I'll have to take his word for that, I was too young at the time to notice the date. I DO remember laying in the sunshine at Uncle Bob's farm while he and the BOSS discussed my unique colouring, before deciding that "Father Ted" would be more suitable a name than "Amen-Ra" !

I was a bit worried that they were making fun, but "Other Half" assures me that Father Ted is a Great God of "Television" (which is apparently a country in Cyber Space, near Ireland).

I'm having a few friends round tonight for a small party, just the alpaca herd and a select couple of locals - my mate Wiley, with his buddy Brocky. None of the humans, - they don't eat proper food like hay and grass, only things grown in a field called Supermarket.

Last Tuesday Uncle Bob brought VIV (the Very Important Visitor - Ice Cool Lad) back to visit Betsy and Conker - more rude goings on, I'm afraid. Betsy was having none it, she spat at him straight away, to tell him to go away! But that Conker, Well WHAT a hussy! They did naughty things right in front of the kids! I had a strong word in her ear afterwards, I can tell you!

Uncle Bob thought he could sneak in by bringing VIV in a different Passion Wagon - but you can't fool me, I'm head of the SWAT team here (that's "Security With Alpacas Together", in case you missed the July 13 Diary entry).

The BOSS says that her birthday present to me is that next week I can go in with the girls! (For some reason that doesn't have quite the appeal it had before the VET's visit six weeks ago!) but it WILL be nice to have the company - cold weather is coming, and I haven't had anyone to cuddle up to since Fred left. I have tried to snuggle up to the human ladies that visit me, (they DO smell nice!) but they all go home before it's shelter time. . . . is it my deodorant?